The “M” bomb and pogo sticks
Like fine wine I feel like I get better with each passing year – at least in some ways. In other ways I feel like someone opened my bottle and left me out just a little too long. Now I’m just old, not aged. And believe me there is a difference.
I went to the doctor today because it’s been a year since I have had the privilege of wearing a paper gown and it’s just something a girl likes to experience every now and again. I mean, after all, they call it a gown. So there I am sitting in my birthday suit loosely wrapped in blue paper feeling like a sad gift at my own party. I’m chatting with the doctor sharing the story of my latest aches and pains when she has the nerve to drop the “M” bomb on me.
“It might be,” she suggests, “that you’re going through the early stages of (long, dramatic tension building pause here) menopause.”
“Excuse me?!” I managed to squeak.
“Well, actually it would technically be considered perimenopause at your age.”
Like that’s supposed to make me feel any better. I fought to contain my own “M” word.
“Are you having hot flashes?” she asked.
I make a mental note that the fact that my blood was boiling doesn’t count as an official hot flash. “No, I’m not having hot flashes.” I offered hopefully.
“Well, we’ll do some blood tests and see what’s going on.”
“Fine,” I said petulantly as I adjusted my paper sheath, attempting to cover my ever-so aging femininity.
“Anything else troubling you?” she asked. I hesitated.
“Umm, I”m having some, uh, bladder control issues.” So there it was laid out on the table for judgment – even my own bladder was betraying me.
“What’s going on?” she questioned as if she didn’t already know.
My mind wandered to the many ads that have flooded (no pun intended) the media lately addressing the concerns of women whose bladders have gone all renegade on them. And I decided to quote one of my favorites, “When I giggle, I leak a little. Actually, it’s more when I sneeze, or cough, but giggle is so much cuter.”
“Oh that’s no problem. Actually it’s pretty common at your age.”
At my age? What the hell is it with the whole at your age thing!? She told me she would write me a prescription for some medicine to help control my bladder. Oh yay! Anti-piss yourself medicine. I am not believing that this is who I have become.
As if that wasn’t enough for her she asked, “Anything else?”
I mean really is it that obvious that I am falling apart? So I move on to yet another concern of mine. My ass. Well, actually, it’s my tailbone. I give her a brief rundown of my summer encounter with a pogo stick and the injury that ensued. I’m quick to add that the reason for my fall had nothing to do with my mad pogo skills, but rather with my husband’s smart mouth.
“Careful, Chell, or you might get vaginally impaled.” Nice. Let me just say that raucous laughter and pogo sticks are not a good mix.
In order to give her a better understanding of the extent of my injury I pull up the video on You Tube, because it just so happens that my 11 year old had his video camera, and it just so happens that it was on, and it just so happens that it was pointed right at me.
We share a moment together -doctor and patient – doctor and falling idiot. And I have a feeling that next time I come to the office I will probably be recognized by the entire staff.
As she is doing my bent knee exam, she paused and looked up with a huge grin on her face and said, “All’s clear. No pogo sticks here.”
Tags: bladder control, doctor, hot flash, menopause, pogo sticks, Summer
Life Stuff, Unadulterated Moxie | Moxie Momma | 
November 13, 2009 11:46 pm
9 Comments
Other Links to this Post
-
The “M” bomb and pogo sticks Silverlight Blog — November 16, 2009 @ 12:46 am
-
» The Hip Bone’s Connected to the…Weather? — July 14, 2010 @ 5:04 am
RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI
Subscribe
By BT in SA, November 16, 2009 @ 12:39 am
Yeouch! The pogo stick fall… [Tell your son thank you for posting it in slo-mo!]
And, as for the “M” thing? Trust me. You’ll know when you experience your first hot flash!!!
By Kerry, November 17, 2009 @ 7:49 am
OMG – - Oh no she dit’n!! The nerve!! Come on, let’s get her home address and we’ll go all ninja on her a**. And on our way, we’ll graffiti the Home Health Aid store, just for good measure, because those walkers and toilet booster seats have been mocking us from the window. In fact, we could just throw that pogo stick right through the front plate glass window and be done with it all. Stupid people with their stupid aging products. Stupid doctors with their “theories” on hot flashes and incontinence. Screw ‘em all, I say!!! (are you feelin’ the support from your fellow pre-M gal???)
By Moxie Momma, November 20, 2009 @ 11:59 am
@ BT thanks for the support and thanks for watching me bust my a$@ on You Tube.
@kerry – I’m getting my ninja suit ready! Be there in a flash – just not a hot flash.
By Elizabeth C, November 20, 2009 @ 4:45 pm
Hi, Love your blog! Hilarious! I can relate to the “M” conversation with the doctor, getting older is just so much fun …
I wanted to thank you for stopping by my blog (www.asofawithaview.blogspot.com) and for the comments you left. It was amazing and comforting to hear from another Mom with a son like mine, who has weathered the same experiences with Tourettes & OCD. Thank-you! – E.
By Moxie Momma, November 20, 2009 @ 10:29 pm
@Elizabeth,
Right back at ya…thanks for visiting my blog and sticking around to read my post.
How old is your son? I experience a great deal of comfort in finding others who understand what life can be like for TS families.
Believe,
Michelle
By Reggie Cervantes, December 8, 2009 @ 4:33 pm
Too funny. I needed a laugh today. I need to return when I have time to read some more. I just found out today that I can’t get a refill on the Mirapex Aidan takes for Tourette’s until he sees the doctor and no appointments available until Next MONTH. Can you say panic?
By Moxie Momma, December 8, 2009 @ 7:06 pm
Glad I made you laugh. That’s always a good thing. I’m so sorry to hear about the Mirapex. Doctors can be so difficult. And probably all the doctor would do is have you pay a $100 office visit fee and then hand you a prescription. I will say a prayer that something works out.
Believe,
Michelle