Five Things Friday – Things I don’t feel guilty about

photo credit: bclinesmith

(Meet Spongebob – the sometimes sitter)

As a mother, and as a person who attended Catholic schools I have a very guilt-ridden conscious.  Most of it is self-inflicted due to my perfectionistic tendencies.  Some is based on what I perceive to be expected of me as a wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter and all the other manifestations of Michelle that co-exist inside of me.

But as a more productive exercise in self-awareness, I thought it might be better to focus on those things that I don’t feel guilty about.

1.   My evening glass(es) of wine – I figure if my kids get to have their whine then so does Momma.  And besides the only reason I partake of the jolly juice is because it is good for me heart.  Let me just say that my heart is doing pretty well these days.

2.   Staying in the bathroom for over 30 minutes – I consider the bathroom my refuge.  I have been known to get comfortable on the rug after my very quick bath with my wine and my current read.  As far as anyone knows, I’m just soaking in the tub.  When the kids were babies, I would pretend to have stomach problems so I could escape momentarily.  Don’t judge me.

3.   Letting my kids  watch TV when I need a break – I used to fret over this one when  Jacob was younger.  I was sure it was some form of neglect to let Spongebob Squarepants be my babysitter for half an hour, but I got over that one pretty quickly.  There are simply times when I am out of give and a quick bathroom retreat isn’t enough to refuel my mom engine.  So what if my kids can recite nearly every episode by heart.  I owe a great deal of my sanity to the folks of Bikini Bottom.

4.   Having a DVD player in the car – I live about 25 minutes from my kids’ schools on a good day.  Throw in traffic, accidents, and police with speed radars and it can turn into a good 45 minutes.  Throw in a four year old and a 12 year old and it can turn into hell.   Popping in a movie keeps them both happy long enough for me to navigate my way to the drop-off points.  Thanks to the library I am often able to sneak in some really cool educational videos like Bill Nye and Popular Mechanics for Kids.  Of course, Mr. Squarepants gets a fair amount of air-time too.

5.   Letting my kids play video games – Again this is one that I was very unsure about.  When Jacob was 3 he was playing computer games like The Incredible Machine.  He graduated to video games shortly after that and I saw pretty quickly how the games we chose for him engaged his mind.  Many of the games required pretty elaborate problem solving capabilities that Jacob took to immediately.  Video games also helped him learn to read.  When a dialogue box or directions would pop up on the screen, he’d ask for my help.  I’d tell him I was busy and I’d help him when I was done.  By the time I got there he had sounded out the words and moved on in the game.

When Jacob is playing a video game, he rarely tics.  It’s a nice break for him on days when his tics are severe.

Nick is following in Jacob’s footsteps and is able to navigate the game world with ease.  And with the added benefit of Wii active games we can throw in a little exercise here and there.

What things leave you feeling guilt-free?

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Five Things Friday – Reasons I’m glad I don’t have girls

Once I was a little girl.....then I had two boys and became the ONLY girl!

Let me begin by saying that I have every right to make these comments because I’m part of the club.  I know how girls are first hand.

When I was pregnant with my oldest son, Jacob, before I knew he was wielding a sword, I used to dream in pink.  I would walk by Baby Gap and marvel at the detail one could put on such a tiny pair of jeans.

I would drool over bohemian dresses and imagine the day when my sweet Emily, Marrissa, or Isabella would have all the moms on the benches of soft play holding up score cards with “10″ emblazoned all over them, while the mall crowd cheered.  Yes, she would be a showstopper.

Not only would she be beautiful, her dark locks framing her doe eyes, she would be smart.   Brains and beauty – that would be my girl.  I imagined us painting our nails together as we listened to classical music (her choice), or using her Barbies to act out scenes from The Sound of Music or The Wizard of Oz. I dreamed and I imagined and then I gave birth…..to a boy.

Dark locks?  Check.  Doe eyes?  Check.  Girl parts?  Um, not so much.

Okay, okay, I told myself…I can do this.  I can raise a boy (as if I had any choice in the matter).  So little pink dissolved pretty quickly into a puddle of boy and I began to learn how very lucky I was.

1.   If I wanted a squealer I would adopt a pot-bellied pig. At least with the pig I could put it outside when it got to be too much.  I’m not so sure social services would think it appropriate or cute that I had a pink igloo in my yard for when my girl got to be just a bit too much.

Frequent visits to playgrounds have given me great insight into the lung capacity and siren-like vocal abilities that little girls possess. My boys can be loud too, but not in a dog whistle kind of way.

No thank you.  I’d like to lose my hearing because I enjoyed way too much loud music in the 80’s, not because I had to listen to some Prima Donna scream like a banshee because she didn’t get to go down the slide first.

2.   Dolls are scary. I had my fair share of dolls growing up – Barbie, Baby Tender Love, Chrissy – the doll with the hole in her head so you could make her hair “grow”.

And when I was a little girl I thought they were the Best. Thing. EVER.  Now that I have age, wisdom and a sense of humor on my side I can see these dolls for what they really are – downright freaky.

Over the years it’s gotten worse.  Dolls that vomit, pee and cry.  Who signs up for that?  Oh, that’s right…moms!  Not 5 year old little girls for God’s sake.

And now we have the whole tween take on Barbies called Bratz.  Barbie had unnatural proportions, for sure and perky boobs to boot, but these Bratz dolls look like junior varsity call girls with their provocative get-ups and their Restylaned lips. Nice.

Me?  I’ll take Ironman action figures over Bratz dolls any day of the week.  But that’s not really a point in question is it?

3.  Welcome to Wonderland Alice. Having a teenage girl (and I speak from experience) must be a bit like jumping down the rabbit hole.  I think as the mother of a teenage boy I will still be jumping down a rabbit hole, but it won’t be filled with strange boys, wearing weird hats, and possibly low-rider jeans, who want to invite my son to “tea parties” (at least I hope not) where I have to worry about the true intention of said boy.

And it’s doubtful I will have to deal with Queens of Hearts whose sharp words of criticism, boyfriend stealing antics,  and general “better than you attitude” would rob my precious “Alice” of her self-esteem.

Hormonal hell rides are allowed by only one person in this household and that claim has clearly been staked by none other than me.

4.   Making up is hard to do. When I was in high school, I wore very little make-up.  I mean I had my black eyeliner and glitter mascara on special occasions, but that was pretty much it.  I didn’t do the whole foundation thing.  That, to me, seemed more like fake-up and I figured if and when I needed it I would learn about it then.

Nowadays, I see 8 year old girls with more makeup on than I even wear now.  It’s really scary.  They look like, well, they look like Bratz dolls!

And the media tries to hide their true intentions (make money) by basically telling girls it takes work to look natural – work and make-up, that is.

I am so thankful that the only make-up I need to worry about is at Halloween.

5.   Boys will be boys. And if I had a girl I would be very worried about that.  I once read somewhere that with a boy you only have to worry about one boy.

With a girl, you have to worry about all boys.  And that alone pretty much sums it all up for me.

My Wonder Boys

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Five Things Friday – Great things my kids have said

My witty kids

My kids are never at a loss for words.  Never.  No idea where they get that from.

Anyway, I thought I would share some of their words with you all today.

Jacob having a Beatles kind of day

Jacob

1.    age 6 – “Why did the people crucify Jesus?”  I told him and explained that Jesus rose from the dead three days later and went to heaven.  Jacob’s reply:  Boy it sure does take a long time to get to heaven!

2.    age 7 -  Eating macaroni and cheese at Shoney’s one day: Take a fork and enjoy the taste bud ride!

3.  age 7 – A frequent party of one, one day Jacob was having a solo conversation in the backseat.  We were the only two people in the car.  Here is what I overheard: Don’t make out with my momma.  She’s already made!

4.   age 9 – Speaking to me: You can be an aggressive mean young woman sometimes.  And don’t go running away like you did yesterday.  Sing a different song.

5.   age 8 – I wish Nick would just go to sleep because he’s so cute I don’t want to do anything else. He couldn’t stop looking at Nick.

Nick having a special moment at BK

Nick

1.   age 3:  Said to me:  I’m watchin’ you hothead!

2.   age 3.5:  On the way down the stairs Nick looked back at me and said: Don’t look at me SUCKA!

3.   age 3.5:  When I was trying to get Nick down for a nap he was being too wiggly.  I told him to be still and he said: I’m just trying to get separated!

4.   age 3.5:  As he was rolling the dice during a board game he gave us his take on “baby needs a new pair of shoes”: C’mon I need a new pair of short sleeve pants and shower pants!

5.   age 3:  This was Nick’s evening prayer one night: I pray the lamp to my heart.  I see the bats in the moon.  Amen.

And there you have it – the wit and wisdom of my two boys!

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Five Things Friday – Reasons I hate Summer

photo credit: calleecakes

Summer turns me upside down
Summer summer summer
It’s like a merry-go-round

- The Cars, Magic

I’m a Summer Grinch. At least some of the time. I don’t hate summer all the time, but I have to say it’s taken on a whole new meaning since I’m 42 and not 12.

You’re probably thinking what a buzz kill that Moxie is. To that I say pshaw – yeah, that’s right, pshaw. You’re not being honest with yourself if you think summer is all bubbles and sunshine giggles.

For one thing neither bubbles, nor sunshine giggles require batteries so they have no entertainment value in my household of Teeks (Tech Geeks).

But rather than be the Grinch who stole summer, I do my best to make nice and create some happy childhood memories for my kids. Once the sun goes down, a nice glass of pinot grigio helps me make some nice summer memories of my own.

So what makes Summer such a suck-fest for me?

1. Hot Momma – When I walk outside at 9am to get the mail I prefer not to melt on the way to the mailbox. Opening the front door in a Savannah summer is like opening the door to Hell only minus the Devil, unless you count the shirtless, red-bellied, sun worn neighbor brandishing his weed-eater as if it were a pitchfork.

2. School is Out - Funny how the very thing that made summer so grand in my younger, unmoxified days, is the one thing that makes me cringe now that I have two boys who are 8 years apart in age. When school is in session each one of my boys has his own little world to report to, where things are relevant and make sense. Once summer forces itself upon us, the elder child is thrust into a world of preschool mayhem made up of brightly colored crack-happy characters who are so sweet it makes your teeth hurt. The resulting household friction is enough to make Smokey the Bear nervous. Attempting to occupy both boys is damn near impossible unless I pay exorbitant amounts of money to take them to an arcade where said money will be spent in 30 minutes leaving us with a handful of plastic prize crap and an entire day of hours left to fill. Lose, lose situation.

3. Come on in the water’s fine! – Well, the water’s not fine to me unless it’s non-chlorinated, nicely heated tap water that is waiting for a few bubbles and a nice glass of Pinot. It’s not really that I mind the pool so much. It’s the pool costume and sunshine that unhinge me.

I’m not a huge swimsuit person. Fortunately, some woman got hold of the fashion reins and made a little number called boy shorts. I’m sorry but if I’m going to be clambering in and out of the pool every 2 minutes I don’t want to have to adjust my butt cover to ensure that my jiggly parts are behaving. I’ve had two kids. Bikinis are not something I’m even remotely interested in. If I could swim in jeans and a t-shirt I would.

I’ve tried to convince myself that the tankini is tres sporty and not just a granny suit. My little skirt is a tad bit flirty but it covers what I deem necessary to cover. I am no longer interested in achieving a nice caramel glaze; I prefer to maintain my Edwardian paleness so as to prevent further spotting. Dot to dots are so last year.

4. What schedule? – There’s something to be said for spontaneity, but when being spontaneous means deciding to use spray on sunscreen rather than lotion it sort of loses its allure. Wandering through the day in an overheated stupor with no real plan makes me want to militarize my family. All of a sudden 5am PT never looked so good.

5. TMS – Too much skin. Ahhh, summertime, the time to get to know people a little too well. Do I need to know that you have a tattoo on your belly button? I think not. Do I need to know that you have stretchmarks mapping out your muffin top? I think not. For God’s sake people, cover it up. Mystery is a good thing. Haven’t you heard of leaving something to the imagination? Unfortunately, the sweltering heat brings out the inner whore in way too many people. It’s the one time of the year when clothing seems to be acceptably optional.

When I do choose to go to the beach with my children I would prefer not to have to explain why someone’s ass is making a special appearance, or why the Boob-sy twins are “hanging” out all over the damn place. And Speedos? Guys, let’s get one thing straight, NOBODY wants to see that train wreck. Trust me on this.

Why do you hate summer?

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Five Things Friday – Ways to avoid Karmic destruction

photo credit: Pink Sherbet Photography

Or how not to let your actions/words come back to bite you in the sass.

1.  Don’t EVER respond to the question “How’s your day going?” with “You know it’s really not all that bad.  The kids are actually behaving today.”

If you do you can rest assured that things will go awry.  Someone will break something be it a leg, a flat screen TV or your heart.  Something will break and the world will fall apart at some point.  I guarantee!

2.  Don’t EVER tell your four year old that he can have fill in the blank or do fill in the blank when it’s fill in the blank just knowing he’ll forget it by the time that particular day rolls around.

He will NEVER forget it.  In fact, he will ask to create a damn paper chain to count down the days.

3.  Don’t EVER tell your 12 year old son to clean his room and then walk out the door and leave him unsupervised because you trust his innate ability to create order in the midst of chaos.

Trust me, there is no such thing. The only order any 12 year old  is capable of  is when it applies to a drive-thru or a 4 year old brother who aims to please in the hopes of obtaining some token of appreciation in the form of whatever unwanted, broken toy is littering the floor.  When you come back his room will look suspiciously devoid of all that was cluttering up said room.  And the closet door of said room will be trembling under the weight of all things plastic and crappy that have found their refuge behind it.  When you ask the pleased 12 year old where he put his stuff and he says without pause, “Away”, you can be certain that the closet door is now a weapon of mass destruction for anyone who dares to open it.

4.   Don’t EVER say, “I can’t wait until the kids are fill in the blank“  because that day will come way too fast.

I promise.  And you’ll wonder why you ever wanted to rush it in the first place.

5.   Don’t EVER promise yourself that you will never do fill in the blank like other parents, or criticize other parents for their obvious parental pitfalls.

I will never bribe my children into behaving.  I will never let my children sleep with me. I will never tell my children they sound congested and give my them Benadryl because I NEED them to sleep. I’m here to tell you that the parental pit is more like a black hole and there is an abundant amount of room for all of us to fall in.  I did.  And you will.

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Five Things Friday – A bit of slang to spice up your suburban vocabulary

A few years ago I came across this very hip store called @Home in downtown Savannah.  Of course as most hip things seems to perish in Savannah (other than myself) it closed this past year.

One of the best things I ever bought there was a pack of flashcards.  Not your normal, everyday flashcards, mind you.  But slang flashcards that boasted the following tease:

Are you over thirty? Nerdy, uncool, or simply suburban?  Get hip in mere days!

Over thirty?  Check.  Nerdy?  Check.  Uncool?  Hardly.  Suburban?  Unfortunately.  So how in the world could I pass up the chance to get hip – well, more hip than I already was?

And since I’m not a stingy Moxie and I like to share my word wealth with the world (say that 10 times fast) I give you five slang words you need right now – guaranteed to give you some sick vocab to impress your suburban homies who will wonder where in the world you picked up such dope word tricks!

1.  dime out - to inform on, tell on, expose

Jacob dimed Nicholas out for calling him the s-word – stupid.

2.   grip – 1: a considerable amount or quantity  2: to a considerable degree or extent  3: frequently, often

I spend a grip of cheddar when I take my lil’ dawgs to Chuck E. Cheese.

3.   hella – to a high degree, exceedingly, very

By the end of the day my nerves are hella shot and I’m straight up ready to hit my yoga mat for some chill time.

4.   crunk – 1:  providing entertainment, amusement, excitement, or enjoyment  2:  crazy, insane

I get all crunk when some punk at soft play disses my kid.

5.   janky - 1:  undesirable, intensely repellent or unpleasant, esp. a person  2:  of inferior quality, worthless. not up to standards  3:  junky, dilapidated  4: weird, inappropriate  5:  tacky, unstylish, badly put together  janked up – tacky, messy, out of control  jankety – in extreme disrepair, sorry state

After a day of kickin’ it on the playground in mad Savannah heat, my boys can get pretty janky.

For more ways to keep your conversations real check out Knock Knock’s updated Slang Flashcards.

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Five Things Friday – Time to play – iPhone Apps that are sucking my time

Despite my emotional and mental state lately, I have actually found the time to get horribly addicted to a handful of new apps – because I have so much time to spare in my daily life.  Thanks to my glorious iPhone I can bring the fun along on all of my drives to and fro in my Moxie Cab.

Have no fear though I don’t play while I’m driving, but I do have my phone at the ready for the next red light.  And I have been known to approach a green light very slowly, my foot off the gas as it hovers over the break, while muttering under my breath, “C’mon, c’mon turn red already”, just so I can have 45 seconds of playtime with my pocket-sized friend.  (For some reason I think that last sentence is not going to read like I want it to.)

Anyway, let’s get this party started and bob for some apps!

1.  Words with Friends

Hands down my absolute favorite app right now.  I am in love with it.  And, yes, if I could I would marry it.  Words with Friends is Scrabble on Benadryl.  It’s the slower-paced version of the word game we all love.  The beauty of it is there is no immediate time commitment – it’s a play as you can game.  Of course, if you are me then no one can play fast enough so I have at least 13 games going on at once.  There’s also the option of playing with random opponents which is pretty cool since not all of my friends are as crazy about words as me.  Another bonus:  you can live chat with your opponent.  This is good for when you play a 111 point word and you want to rub it in a little.  Not that I would ever do that.  Ever.

2. iAssociate

This is a great time suck of an app that will frustrate the hell out of you.  Sounds fun, huh?  It’s a cool version of a dinner table game we play in our family – word association.

Goes something like this:  I might say the word cat and we would take turns around the table saying the first thing that comes to our mind.  So cat might branch off like this: cat – hat – head – hair – shampoo – clean – dirty – mud – puddle – rain – storm – thunder – Celtic.

On iAssociate, the word webs  are much, much longer.  You get points for each one you guess correctly and you have a certain number of hints.  As you correctly guess associations, you unlock other levels.  Check it out.  It will drive you crazy – mad – pissed – toilet – flush – water – ocean – beach – sand – castle – king – crown – tooth – ache – hurt – pain – medicine – pill – crazy.  And I’m right back where I started!

3.  Geocaching

Basically modern treasure hunting without the gold coins and jewels.  It’s the thrill of the hunt that matters here.  And with over 1,097,028 active geocaches in the US you’ll never run out.

Geocaching is a high-tech treasure hunting game played throughout the world by adventure seekers equipped with GPS devices. The basic idea is to locate hidden containers, called geocaches, outdoors and then share your experiences online. Geocaching is enjoyed by people from all age groups, with a strong sense of community and support for the environment.  – Official Geocaching Website

This is a great family adventure that requires nothing more than a GPS or iPhone, a pen for signing the log books and a sense of adventure.  The cool thing is that if you are fortunate enough to vacation in Maiu you can do a bit of geocaching while you are there.  Sa-weet!

4.  Glee

Yep, I’m a full-on Gleek and damn proud of it.  I’ve only seen a few episodes (plan to have a marathon viewing this summer) but it was love at first song for me.  If there had been a glee club when I was in high school I so would have shown up, my jazz hands at the ready, my show tunes polished up.

I was a member of chorus, Les Chanteurs to be exact, but it fell two measures short of being anything near a Club O’ Glee.  In fact, it was about 25 girls who were forced to mutilate Michael Jackson songs in high soprano grandeur while our fearless choral director had her way with those poor, poor piano keys.  So my experience could hardly be classified as gleeful.

So what is a repressed songstress to do?  I got my answer one day while I was browsing the app store.  Oh my God, like no way!  Glee has an app?! And just like that I was sold.

Basically the Glee app is a karaoke machine in your pocket.  Oh yeah, now you’re talking my language.  Sign this biotch up for that!  AND you can record yourself, save it, play it back, post it to Facebook, gift a friend and Twitter your masterpiece.  You can even sing with people from all over the world.

As a former child hairbrush singer and occasional rear view mirror performer, I can truly appreciate the beauty of an app like this.  I have had several recording sessions and plan on many, many more.  Join in on the fun people.  Glee it up!

5.  Angry Birds

For months Jacob and Warner would make comments about this game to each other.  They were playing it all the time.  Not wanting to feel left out, I finally checked it out and now completely understand their addiction to it.

Green castle building pigs and pissed off birds?  Hells yeah!  The premise is that an army of green pigs has stolen the Birds’ eggs and they are not happy.  In order to survive the Birds must seek revenge by using their “unique destructive powers” to destroy the pig’s castles.

With 135 levels to play, and let me tell you some of them are pretty challenging, you’ll never get bored.  The animation and sound effects are equally amusing.  Check it out.  If you play it once I can pretty much guarantee that you will be hooked.  It’s so much fun watching those grunting little piggies pop.

So there you have it…what are you waiting for?  You know you want it!

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Five Things Friday – Deadly Sins of Motherhood

I’ve been out of the Moxing ring (I’d like to thank my blog buddy Greta for coining that phrase) for a week or so now, so I thought that it would be cool to come back on Five Things Friday with a little video Moxie.  There’s a bit of wind in the background, but I think you should be able to hear me just fine.

Let me know if you like this format. I’m thinking of adding more video to Moxie Momma just to shake it up a bit.

Thanks for watching.

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Five Things Friday – Misconceptions about Tourette Syndrome

I have had several conversations with people who make false assumptions about my son based on the information that the media provides about Tourette’s.  It angers me that many of the media sources who do stories on TS or make reference to TS do so in a very sensationalized manner, leaving the general public to assume that TS is a cursing disease and is punchline fodder.

With megaphone in hand I am telling anyone who will listen what TS is, and more importantly what it isn’t. That said, here are five of the most common misconceptions that I have seen with regards to Tourette Syndrome.

Misconception 1:  TS is a swearing disease.  The images that we see on TV are inaccurate.  Less than 10% of patients with TS have coprolalia – a condition that causes them to use obscene language.

Misconception 2:  TS patients make funny sounds and move in odd ways – that’s it.  Unfortunately, a diagnosis of TS usually doesn’t come alone.  TS is notorious for bringing a few friends along for the ride.  OCD, ADD, ADHD are some of the co-morbid conditions often associated with Tourettes.

Misconception 3:  TS is very rare.  Many cases of Tourette’s are not correctly identified or are so mild they go undiagnosed.  However, according to statistics between 1 and 10 children per 1000 have Tourette’s and as many as 10 per 1000 people have some form of a tic disorder.

Misconception 4:  TS patients are debilitated by their condition and cannot lead productive lives.  Many people, when I tell them that my son has TS, ask if he is able to go to school with “normal” kids.  After I take a deep breath I assure them that my son is just as “normal” as any other kid (whatever that means) and that yes, he can hang out with the regular crowd.  TS does not prevent him from doing anything.  And while some cases are more severe than others, and can affect one’s life adversely, most people with TS lead very active, productive lives.

Misconception 5:  People with TS can control their tics if they really want to.  Try this:  Hold your breath as long as you can.  Can you hold it for 30 seconds?  A minute?  Longer?  Maybe, but at some point you will need to breathe.  And if you’ve held it for a long time, you will find yourself gasping for air.  TS patients can suppress tics for short periods, but it’s very uncomfortable (so I’m told by my son) and usually results in an explosion of tics.  Telling someone to stop ticcing is like telling someone to stop breathing or blinking.  It’s possible, but not for long.

May 15 – June 15 is National Tourette’s Awareness Month.  Take a minute to visit this link and educate yourself on TS. Then pass this on to someone else. Let’s start a chain of awareness so that kids like Jacob can be understood and accepted.

Also be sure to visit my Tic Dock page to read more about TS and how it has affected my life.

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Five Things Friday – Truths about motherhood

photo credit: happyworker

There are some things you know.  Some things you don’t know.  Some things you should know. Some things you will know.  And some things you wish you could un-know.

I entered motherhood thinking I had a pretty good store of knowledge set to unleash on my newborn.  I read What to Expect When  You’re Expecting, What to Expect Once You Bring It Home, What to Expect During Baby’s First Year, and What to Expect For the Rest of Your Life.  In other words, I knew what to expect.  Or so I thought.  Some things they keep out of the books and now I know why.

1.   Missile Impossible – I was aware of projectile vomiting.  I had seen Linda Blair in The Exorcist spread her pea soup spigot style around a room.  And I was aware that babies come with built in spew tubes and can wreak vomit havoc at any time.

What I wasn’t aware of was that there is such a thing as projectile poop.  But there is.  Oh believe me, there most certainly is.  And it is not pretty.  And it is not easily removed from walls or curtains.

One of my children ( I will not give names so as not to embarrass any specific person) had been planning such a missile attack for days as was apparent from the solidity and magnitude of the launched rocket.

Fortunately, my husband, and not myself, was on the enemy lines at the moment of attack.  But I could tell from the sound of his voice as he called for reinforcements that the fortress of parental trust had been breached.

I ran upstairs and could not believe the degree of destruction.  My walls were covered in shit and my curtains, and the changing table and…my life.

I mean, what the hell was that all about?  No one told me about shit bombs.  And if they had…maybe I would have chosen a different, less stinky path.  Maybe.  But probably not.

2.   The pain, oh the pain – The birth of both of my boys was pretty painless thanks to some heavy-duty spine-numbing, happy drugs.  I did have some discomfort after, of course, but that was expected.

I also knew that becoming a mother opens up your heart to all kinds of new hurts, that no one  has developed drugs for.

However, I had no idea that there would be times that I would fight for breath because the pain in my heart was too much to bear.  I had no idea there would be times that I would beg for his pain so that it might be taken from him.

No idea that  the hurt that would move its way through my body bruising cell after cell when I realized that I couldn’t make his pain go away, was not nearly as bad as the hurt that came when he locked eyes with me, smiled and said, “I love you, Mommy.”

Is the pain worth it?  Absolutely.

But it kills me inside a little bit every single time to realize that there is a world out there, a world that can hurt him inside and out, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

3.   Wine is a mother’s birth right – The moment I gave birth I earned the right to drink.  Responsibly, of course.  And mostly just to prolong my life through the heart-healthy benefits of reservatrol.  I owe it to my kids.

I never realized the benefits  of grown-up grape juice until I had kids.  There are just some nights that call for something a little stronger than Diet Coke to ease the nerves that have been wracked from a day of mothering two boys.  The endless hours of don’t hit, don’t kick, don’t bite, don’t watch You Tube videos on how to make tasers – you get the drift.

Momma needs wine, to ease the whine.  It’s the truth, it’s actual, give me wine and everything is satisfactual.

4.   I used to be smart – Really, I did.  I used to be able to answer real questions like what’s the difference between an acronym and an anachronism? Now I find myself answering questions like who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

I used to hang out with literati.  Now I hang out with the little ratty kids at the mall playground.

What happened to my brain?  It was sucked dry when I gave birth…TWICE!  I am in negative numbers now.

5.   You will eat your words – Not to mention loads and loads of LO carbs – that’s leftover, not low-fat just in case you’re wondering.  LO as in cleaning your child’s plate because it’s just a little bits and pieces and you really don’t think they could possibly add up to a healthy 6 month old baby named FAT you carry around your waist now!  Yeah, those LO carbs – the Pokemon mac and cheese, the PB&J triangles, the Teddy Grahams.

But back to the words.  If you’ve ever uttered the words, I would never (fill in the blank) with my child, I’m saying just give it time sweetheart.  The bribe fairy will hit you just as hard as she hit me.

You think you won’t bribe your child.  You will.  I promise.  I swore that  I never would.  And yet on any given day you can hear me utter the words, if you can just keep it together for 5 more minutes while I finish shopping, I’ll get you a treat, or something from the dollar bin, or an elastic replica of me that you can wrap around your finger!

I used to say I would never yell at my child.  That’s so horrible!  Gasp!  The horror!  And now I have become one of those Momster mothers.

Yes, I have yelled at my child.  And you will too.  One day when your name becomes something you wish you could change to Esther or Lulu or anything but Mooooooom, you’ll know exactly what I mean.

Here’s a video that a friend of mine sent to me that fully illustrates my point:

What truths about motherhood have you found out since you’ve joined the club?

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